When you feel like letting go…

Apparently, sometimes you just need to dance in the rain!

It’s been an… odd couple of months, mental health wise. I’ve been struggling and trying to deny it and back on my meds for three weeks now. I had the nightmare 10 days or so of riding out the waves of side-effects. Obviously, the meds aren’t fully functioning yet but I’m starting to see some admittedly small changes.

This week… this week has been very stressful at work.
Facilities me has been run off her feet sorting out the after effects of a fire in the warehouse.
Finance me has had some pretty epic yelling suppliers. There have been tears and there have been tantrums!

It all came to a head on Thursday afternoon. I snapped at a supplier on the phone, I hid in the loo and cried multiple times. I ate my weight in chocolate a few times over. I was… shall we actively fighting the urge to do something stupid. I mostly achieved it.

Throw in a hellish drive down to London on Friday (it took me 7 hours to drive 170 miles!) and the weather at the weekend and I almost said fuck it and didn’t go.

But I did.

Saturday, in an utterly shocking statement, I went to a Raintown gig. They were playing in Canada Square as part of Nashville meets London. Kicked the whole thing off which was AWESOME. It was slightly damp in the way that I was soaked through my pac-a-mac. I’d hit the point I was completely drenched, couldn’t physically get any wetter.

I just… I let go. I was singing my heart out, crying my eyes out, laughing, and just… yeah dancing in the rain. It was what I needed.

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Yeah, going back to work pretty much killed me this week. However, there have been no disasters and I’m starting to feel like I’m actually getting caught up on things, so there’s that. Hurrah. My routine is getting pretty settled and I’m feeling positive. 🙂

I’m also doing pretty well towards most of my January goals: I avoided the vending machine at work all week, I’ve been drinking at least 1.5l water a day, I only went to Greggs once and I didn’t order in pizza.
I lost 4lb – my weight is down to 207. *cheers*

I also found my fitbit and charger and charged my fitbit and got a baseline of my food and walking over last week. Which means I’ve been able to give myself a goal for the coming week of walking 6050 steps a day or 2.5 miles a day. I’m aiming towards a daily calorie intake of 1300.

I’ve also been writing. As well as that John solo fic, I’ve written like 3k of Jack/Cam and I found and have been editing an old unfinished CW RPS AU fic.

It’s been a good week! 🙂

An actual update

Hello everyone.

Long time no post, but I’m pleased to be able to say that I’m doing… pretty ok, actually. I still have the odd bad day but no, things are good. I’m back down to the lowest dosage of my mirtazapine, propranolol is now only 10mg as and when needed and I’m completely off the zopiclone.

I started a new job in June and it’s going really well. I’m a ‘general services clerk’ for a local electrical engineering company supporting facilities/premises, finance and legal. It’s mostly just raising purchase orders, placing orders and sorting post but I’m really enjoying it. It’s 08:00-16:30 Mon-Thurs and 08:00-15:30 on a Friday, and it’s only a 15-20 minute drive from home, depending on traffic. It’s a temp job but the contract keeps being rolled over because the company has a recruitment freeze on… currently my contract is til the end of the year.
I’m not overly fond of the girls in the office – very bitchy – but I’m still in touch with the girls (and Minion from IRW.

I’m currently dorking out obsessively over bulletjournals and planners. I can spend hours watching #planwithme videos on youtube, I find them really relaxing – almost as much fun as actually doing it myself!

And in 10 days and 18 hours, I get on a plane that takes me to San Francisco for 2016’s shenanigans 😀

100 Things That Make Me Happy

As part of my 101 Things In 1001 Days I set out to write a list of 100 Things That Make Me Happy.

It took me something like 2 months to compile the list and I was mindful to try to make sure it wasn’t just fandom related – that it was very well-rounded and covered a variety of things that I enjoy.

If I’m honest, It was actually a lot harder to do than anticipated. I don’t know if that’s just because of how down I’ve been over the last 6 months or so. At the same time, though, writing it and re-reading it has been a pretty good form of therapy. Reminding me of little things that make me smile – and nudging me to go and do some of them.

Anything than involves happiness is never a bad thing, right?

So here is 100 things that make Cassie happy
1. Going to bed and knowing I don’t have an alarm set in the morning
2. Having a hot bath, putting on warm & clean pjs and getting into a freshly made bed with clean bedding
3. Getting a forward-facing window seat with a table on the train to work
4. Getting any seat on the train home from work
5. My Natalie
6. My Dragon
7. Stargate SG1
8. Stargate Atlantis
9. Star Wars
10. TLOR gigs
Continue reading

A desperate plea for help

As many of you know, I have struggled with depression for somewhere in the region of 20 years, and have had a bad run of it over the last couple of months since my mum died. This culminated in a suicide attempt at the beginning of February.

My doctor has kept me signed off work since, and I’ve returned to work this week.

I’ve had an email today from my HR department advising me that I won’t be getting paid for the 5 weeks I’ve been off and they will be deducting £1800 from my wages. This is more than my actual months wages and they will be splitting it over 2 months, deducting £867 gross from my March and April salaries.

This leaves me completely unable to pay my rent, my bills or even get to work. My monthly salary is £1572 gross so taking off the £867 leaves me with £705.50 gross – or about £550 after tax

My basic monthly outgoings come to £950ish a month.

You can see how the maths there doesn’t add up!

As you can imagine, I’m having epic panic right now. I’m trying to get hold of Citizens Advice to find out what options are available to me but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to manage.

Please, please, if you’re able to help, every penny is appreciated like you would not believe. I’ve set up a gofundme at https://www.gofundme.com/d3utncj2 because I literally don’t know what else to do

Thank you ❤

5 Fandom Friday: 5 Things in My Purse at All Times

I started this thinking ‘What a restricive topic, who has different stuff in their purse?’ I mean there’s just money, debit card, drivers license, Riley’s guitar plectrum and random receipts. But then I realised… oh, hey… this is probably meaning the American definition of purse so… what you’re actually asking me is 5 Things in My Bag at All Times?

Now this does vary depending on the bag I’m carrying and where I’m going. When I’ve got my rucksack there’s a lot more in it than when I’ve got my little bag. So, in my rucksack I have:

Medication Pretty important this one, although sometimes making me feel like a walking Boots. At minimum, I have my inhaler, ibuprofen, cocadamol, sertraline, propanolol and iron pils.

A book/my kindle To be fair, I commute to and from work so I always need something to read to kill the time. I have my kindle in case I finish the physical book. Also works as something of a security blanket when going into situations I’m not sure what’s happening and I’m on my own.
If I’ve got my small bag, it’s the kindle only

Planner/pen/notebook Either my diary and a pen or a notebook and a pen. Sometimes both, depending on where I’m going, what I’m doing and who I’m with. Well you never know when you’re going to need to make a note of something, write something down or, as a writer – when inspiration is going to strike.
If I’ve got my small bag, it’s a small notebook & a pen.

Wallet As mentioned up there, money and ID. Plus it’s a nice geeky emblem because it has a nice little SGC design on it.

The last item is Keys or Phone because these two vary between being in my pocket or being in my bag. Again, it depends on what bag I’ve got, where I’m going etc
House keys & car keys – I won’t get very far without these. I also have a radar key for using the disabled toilets.
Phone – I cannot live without it. It’s like missing my left arm if I don’t have it with me. My music lives on it too! But also there’s the safety issue as I’m a disabled woman travelling on my own a lot of the time

Long live the King

I finally went up to the hospital to get the blood tests done. I hate those things but I pleased to report I survived with minimal unconsciousness, although I am getting a very pretty bruise on the inside of my left elbow.

(And, y’know, you’re all fatigued and exhausted and achy… so the medical profession decides it’s going to take three vials of your blood. That’s REALLY going to help the fatigued situation! *snort*)

It’s been a pretty chilled afternoon since I got home. I treated myself to some lunch from Subway and a cake from Greggs, then napped a while after. I’ve spent the rest of the time curled up on the couch watching stuff – Awkward, Faking It, Criminal Minds and now some NCIS.

I really do adore Penelope Garcia. and Abby Scuito. Nell Jones from NCIS LA too.
Not that I’m watching any NCIS LA. Not tonight, anyhow. I’m a little too sleepy for that. I don’t think I’ll be long taking my ass up the stairs to bed.

That 642 Things To Write About book is waving at me though, so I guess I’m just gonna flip to the next prompt in it which is:
The King shows up on your doorstep… and makes me a very confused llama because last time I checked we have a Queen. Please excuse me one moment while I google and make sure she’s still with us.



Nope, Queen Elizabeth II is still the reigning monarch, and she has been since 2 June 1953 (which, random trivia, was the first thing my mum ever saw on TV). Almost 63 years, making her our longest reigning monarch.

Sure, after her we will have a King – Charles III – and, another random trivia, when he becomes King he will be the oldest to be crowned. The current record holder is William IV who was 64 when he became king in 1830. Charles is also the third-longest serving Prince of Wales, behind George IV and Edward VII

I swear I’m not a Royalist or anything, although I will admit to completely adoring Prince Philip (Duke of Edinburgh, husband of the Queen, longest-serving consort of a reigning British monarch and the oldest-ever male member of the British royal family). You know, the guy who just says whatever he’s thinking and happily insults everyone. I think he’s fab.