Christmas was – recent celeb deaths aside – a lot less traumatic this year. There were still tears and wanting to hide and I was utterly exhausted by Monday night but I survived without running way. I was once again adopted by Susan’s family. I ate all the foods, had all the presents, had fun and laughter.

I got a Hufflepuff phone cover, a Hufflepuff hoodie, a Hufflepuff badge, Harry Potters socks, Star Wars pyjamas, 2 pairs of Batman pyjamas, and a shower curtain.
I’d asked for pjs so I was very happy *grins*

Today I am planning on hibernating. I’m curled up in my bed, I have plenty of noms surrounding me and I’m starting my day with the movie Baby Bootcamp. For reasons of Danneel and Kavan. I think the most stressful thing I have planned is sorting out some of my to-read list for the 2017 Popsugar Reading Challenge.



So 2016 was the year I found my new normal after the last 1/3 of 2015., I got on meds that stabilised me, I found a therapist that really helped me and I’m feeling pretty balanced.

Don’t get me wrong, the year started off disastrously. I attempted suicide. I cut again for the first time in 2 years. I lost a job I loved. My guardian angels have been working overtime to protect me from myself a few points.

But sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back.

And I have. I’ve found another job. I’m no longer in danger of losing my nest. I had an amazing holiday with my Natalie. I’ve been to some kick ass cons and met some people very important to me. I discovered that some things I used to be terrified of are no longer as they once we’re.

I may not have been to as many gigs and cons as I would have liked. I don’t have any planned for 2017. But there is some semblance of financial stability in the not too distant future and I will be able to start getting out of debt.

So here is to an awesome 2017! May it be filled with love and laughter and good food and amazing people and all of the things that make us happy

I don’t want your 9-5, or anyone to tell me how to live my life!

My music listening and gig going has been dominated over the last couple of years by the UK country scene but this afternoon I’ve found myself going back in time 14 or so years (yikes!) to listen to some Good Charlotte. I can’t even remember the last time I listened to their self-titled debut album but it would seem I’m still word perfect.

And, of course, listening to the music brings back memories. Both good and bad. Thinking about all the people I know, all the people in my life because of this band. The people I met on LJ, through fandom, through chat rooms and message boards. The people I met in queues. A few people I wish I could forget but at the same time were an important part of my life. The people I’ve lost touch with but who I still find myself remembering and wondering what they’re doing.

Good Charlotte were the first band I ever road-tripped for. The first band I ever followed around the country for a week to go to every date on a tour for. The first band I was ever front row centre on the barrier for.

My car – Lotte – yup, she’s named after Good Charlotte. Fuck, she’s actually signed by them – and that tour in 2007 getting her signed was so much ridiculous fun. It started as a joke, first night of the tour before the gig, all the emo kids were getting stupid shit like shoes and towels signed and I jokingly asked Joel to sign my car. He just laughed. But Benji grinned and hopped over the security bar (freaking their security guy out) and signed her. Inside of my door, ‘drive safe’ and a big heart. And then getting the rest of the band to sign her too. Deano and Paul both just… wandering away from the venue to where I’d parked (which was usually like just the other side of the tourbus – but still!)

I’m trying to find words to make sense of some of these gig memories but it’s… it’s so hard to describe the awesome of the interaction I used to get from Joel on stage. Feeling so overwhelmed the first time I met them that I sat on the curb and CRIED. How amazing it feels like when Billy’s incredulous that you’re at another gig. Deano’s hugs. The way Benji would make sure I was still on my feet at the end of each gig – and he’d always check with Chel and not just met. Paul failing to throw a pick at me and instead just… giving it to me after the gig. I’ve got guitar picks and drumsticks and set lists and signed tickets and pictures and pictures and pictures.
I’m wondering where the pictures are.

I remember winning tickets for the launch party for Chronicles Of Life & Death at Alton Towers. I found out the night before and literally called my boss from the road ‘Hi, John, remember that Good Charlotte competition I was talking about in work yesterday? Well, I won and I’m on my way up the M1 to Staffordshire and I’ll be back in work tomorrow!’

I hate that my body doesn’t let me do this anymore. I used to be able to drive between cities for a week, getting just a few hours kip, then being front row, centre, on the barrier. Crutches at my feet, enough strength in my upper body to hold myself up on the barrier. Then repeating it every night.
Their gigs aren’t the same anymore. I tried. But – and it sounds stupid – I wasn’t enjoying myself when I couldn’t be on the barrier. Being a good disabled llama and sitting on the balcony… All I could think was how much fun it used to be down there.

This trip down memory lane is making me grin like crazy. And there’s tears – happy and sad. And I had forgotten how much love. HOW MUCH LOVE I have for these boys from Maryland and their pop punk music. It didn’t save my life by any means, but it certainly changed it in ways I never imagined possible.

Talk geeky to me!

There’s this meme that goes around Facebook every so often that says If you see me with a shirt on of a show, movie or whatever on it that you love, you have the right to sit your ass down in front of me and start talking. My public representation of my fandom is an invitation to come and talk to me about it and I swear to god it is so TRUE! Even more awesome is when it actually happens.

Sure it happens at cons but that’s a forum you expect. I spend half my time walking around cons going ‘omg i love your shirt’ or having someone say it to me. I went to see Civil War and this girl, pre-teen or early teens, exclaimed excitedly that she loved my Hydra jacket. I turned round to say thank you and she full on flailed at the fact I was wearing a Cap t-shirt and carrying a SHIELD bag.
I love it!

But I also love it when it happens in real life.
I went to Tesco to collect my new vacuum cleaner. I’d done the order online, collect from the store thing. I pull out my wallet to get my ID and the guy geeks out over it being SG1. We compare tattoos and con stories and facebook.
I went to Hobbycraft and the guy behind the till loves my Star Wars shirt.

I just love the whole sense of… belonging, of community, that there is in Fandom – even when it’s random, unexpected and offline
*draws sparkly orange hearts around fandom*

100 Things That Make Me Happy

As part of my 101 Things In 1001 Days I set out to write a list of 100 Things That Make Me Happy.

It took me something like 2 months to compile the list and I was mindful to try to make sure it wasn’t just fandom related – that it was very well-rounded and covered a variety of things that I enjoy.

If I’m honest, It was actually a lot harder to do than anticipated. I don’t know if that’s just because of how down I’ve been over the last 6 months or so. At the same time, though, writing it and re-reading it has been a pretty good form of therapy. Reminding me of little things that make me smile – and nudging me to go and do some of them.

Anything than involves happiness is never a bad thing, right?

So here is 100 things that make Cassie happy
1. Going to bed and knowing I don’t have an alarm set in the morning
2. Having a hot bath, putting on warm & clean pjs and getting into a freshly made bed with clean bedding
3. Getting a forward-facing window seat with a table on the train to work
4. Getting any seat on the train home from work
5. My Natalie
6. My Dragon
7. Stargate SG1
8. Stargate Atlantis
9. Star Wars
10. TLOR gigs
Continue reading

Destined For Geekness

I’m pretty sure I was always going to be a geek.

My mum used to tell me how when I was about 2 or 3, the only way she could get peace and quiet to get anything done around the house was to sit my in my high-chair in front of the TV when Dukes Of Hazzard was on. I mean Dukes Of Hazzard… what 2-3 year old girl gets fascinated by that show?! Also, as I sit here typing it, I have 3 General Lee’s in his room. And the first car I ever bought brand new was orange, in honour of her. And it’s my favourite colour. I have no idea if that’s connected.
I remember getting SO excited about a decade or so ago when I met Catherine Bach. I’m pretty sure I would die if I ever met John Schneider or Tom Wopat.

I then spent a lot of time in the late 80s/early 90s watching a lot of the ‘boys’ stuff. Cartoon-wise it was Ghostbusters, Bucky O’Hare, Defenders Of The Earth and I was totally nuts over Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles – wallpaper, bedding… I read the TMNT, Ghostbusters, Bucky O’Hare comics too. And The Beano.
I also loved to watch like Doctor Who, The A-Team, MacGyver, Magnum PI, Knight Rider, CHiPs. Y’know, the sort of thing all self-respecting 7-8 year old girl would watch. Man I was such a tomboy.

I would ready The Famous Five and The Hardy Boys… and I was doing fanfic and roleplay before I even knew what they were. Playing in the woods, making up and acting out my own stories where I was with them. Or one time where Joe Hardy got hurt so Frank Hardy kissed it better. Yup. I was about 9.

I also used to write stories. I remember one that was about an evil witch who enchanted all the toys to do her bidding, and these two girls who just wanted their dolls back and went on a quest. There was a dragon and… I have no idea what happened but I remember them having cheese and branston pickle sandwiches in their picnic!

As I moved towards teens, I found the horror and sci-fi sections of the library. Stephen King was (still is) a favourite, and there was more than one occasion where a librarian would ring my mum and ask if she was sure I should be checking out these books. Mum was just like ‘it’s a book, let her read it’

At the same time, I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on TV. The X-Files started when I was like 13-14. I also discovered re-runs of Jon Pertwee & Tom Baker era Doctor Who, 60s horror movies (hammer house of horror LOVE!), the outer limits, the twilight zone… And that little show, don’t know if you’ve heard of it? Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I know I’ve mentioned before how much the show influenced me and how I grew up with the characters, being the same age as them.
I was writing X-Files fanfiction as well. Proper alien abduction sci-fi stuff. By hand. And getting a teacher to correct it.

A group of my friends and I snuck into the cinema to see Interiew With A Vampire in the mid-90s. It was an 18 and we were maybe 14. But it was vampires, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Christian Slater and Antonio Banderas, what were we supposed to do? We all came out of the cinema in LOVE… and my first stop was the bookshop where I bought the first three of the Vampire Chronicles. And fell even more in love, only with Armand and Daniel *draws sparkly orange hearts*

I loved all the sci-fi films at that time – Stargate, Independence Day, Men In Black, The Mummy. And also Mission Impossible. Again with being a total tomboy!

I got the internet and found online fandom in 1999/2000, and fell head over heels into Savage Garden RPS slash, shortly followed by Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and The Sentinel. I’ve been involved in one fandom or another since then, always reading and writing fanfic and squeeing muchly, sometimes roleplaying.
I started going to sci-fi conventions around the same time.

Sci-fi and horror has always been such a part of my life, and so has fandom. I can’t imagine a world without fangirling! I’ve met some incredible people through fandom, love how fandoms connect and you find new shows and books and movies and music and people in the strangest ways. Pretty much everyoen I know in real life I’ve met… well in a queue for something or other, either at a gig or a convention!

Today finds me starting something new for me. Well.
I’ve not read comics since I was in my early teens and I have in front of my some copies of The Amazing Spiderman, The Uncanny X-Men and The Invincible Iron Man. Actually quite excited to dive in…

A Major Tattoo

I committed an act of comment_fic today. Just a couple of lines for a prompt that caught my eye. It was very bizarre – not a pairing I read, or write, or ever even thought of before. But the prompt intrigued me and my muse wrote a couple of lines.

The prompt was Stargate: Atlantis, Ronon Dex/Evan Lorne, Evan has tattoos and Ronon likes kissing them and my fill was just It curls over his hip, ink of black and red and green, drawing Ronon’s eyes round and down. He can hear Evan’s chuckle, feel the tease of Evan’s fingers in his hair and he looks up, sees his hunger reflected back in dark-ringed eyes.

He smirks as Evan moans his name then dips his head, tongue following the trail on hot, salty, skin.

And that, I thought, was that. I left a couple of prompts and carried on about my business.

Only now… well now Bob! will not shut the hell up about Evan Lorne’s damn tattoo! He’s telling me that it’s a dragon tattoo that covers Evan from the base of his neck to his knee. The head of the dragon is on his shoulder, maybe claws on his chest, all down his back, tail curling around his thigh!

And Bob! is giving me all these images of a this scene, the sun setting over Atlantis, the room dusky, no lights on and Ronon slowly undressing Evan, more and more ink being revealed… he’s tracing the design with fingers then with his tongue, with Evan squirming under his ministrations.

I don’t even know… Bloody muses!