30 Days Of Llama – Day 3

Mental health wise I’m not doing so well right now. I’ve been very stressed the last couple of weeks – work’s been insane and poor Lotte needed quite a lot of repairs doing on her. I’m starting to come out the other side but I’m still feeling quite… meh

I’m going to move swiftly on to day 3 of this meme which is Your favorite television program

See. Kneejerk reaction is Stargate SG1. Followed by Stargate Atlantis. Because LOVE. I think I’ve covered plenty of times how much that show’s helped me over the last couple years
The sheer amount of love I have for Jack and Daniel and Sam and Teal’c and Hammond and Fraiser and Mitchell and Vala and Sheppard and McKay and Beckett and Lorne…

But then I factor in the fact I’ve been doing an NCIS rewatch and falling in love with Gibbs & DiNozzo & Ducky all over again. Throw in LA and NO and they’re the shows I’m the closest to being completely up-to-date on.

There’s also the new shows that I’ve fallen for this year. Lucifer. Lethal Weapon. MacGyver. Pure Genius. Bull.

And we can’t forget the returning loves. The Librarians. Bones. Castle. Criminal Minds. Supernatural. Arrow. Agents Of SHIELD. iZombie. The Mentalist. Killjoys. Dark Matter. Saving Hope. Hawaii Five-0. Fringe. Haven. Elementary.

Of course then you have all All Time Favourites, the ones I always go back to no matter how many times I’ve watched them. Buffy. CSI. Charmed. Dukes Of Hazzard. Sanctuary. MacGyver. Leverage. White Collar. House. Farscape. Firefly. Star Trek.

The last things I watched were Criminal Minds, Ransom, Quantico, Pure Genius, Proof and Once Upon A Time
Right now I’m about to press play on the 1×01 of Rectify.

… I believe this post is mostly known as ‘Cassie watches far too much on TV’.


A Health Vent

I have a sinking suspicion that today is Not A Good Day.
I’m have a cough/sore throat that I can’t shift
My knees and hips are hurting
I have a psoriasis flare-up
Pretty sure all three are linked. And making me struggle and making me miserable. Worse depression day I’ve had in a while, to be fair.

I’m struggling to get out of bed – if I’m in bed, I don’t have to face the state of my skin right now – and the thought of leaving the house has this tightness in my chest.
But I need to get groceries.
And I know how busy Tesco is going to be.
And I have a rash on my face – still feel a little self-conscious from the pharmacist commenting on it yesterday, even though I know it was a professional statement. I’d said that it normally presented as a rash on my elbows but that it had spread everywhere and he replied that yes, he could see it was even on my face.
It’s just… not pleasant, y’know?

I’m exhausted because I’m not sleeping – coughing myself awake or waking up because something’s itching.

Logically, I know I need to get up, shower, slather on the lotions, take meds… take an anxiety med and just… take it from there.

I’m just trying to figure out… how

New beginnings

Hullo internets

I realise my blogging and commenting has been more than a little sporadic over the last few months. I’ve honestly just not really been feeling it, not feeling like I’ve been doing anything worth writing about or caring enough about other people to know what they have. I know that may sound a little harsh but it’s also extended to real life people as well. A depression symptom that I am well aware of.

My job has had me dealing with a lot more people in a much bigger office than I’ve been used to for a few years. Then I had holiday and con and was peopling constantly. I’ve just been getting in from work and feeling completely drained, dropping down onto the sofa and that’s been it.

However over the last few days or so, I’ve actually started to miss blogging. Missed opening up this ‘post’ box, typing out whatever comes into my head and just hitting post. Then reading what you guy are up to and interacting and stuff.

I figured a new beginning at the new start of a new month was as good a place as any to start. I’m still feeling kind of hermity and not wanting to venture out into the world. I’m going to ignore the fact I have groceries and housework to do and just want to take a chill day – sit on my sofa, put my legs up, snuggle under my blankie and watch lots of pretty. And while I’m doing that seems a good chance to start catching up on some of the blogs and journals that I love to read

A desperate plea for help

As many of you know, I have struggled with depression for somewhere in the region of 20 years, and have had a bad run of it over the last couple of months since my mum died. This culminated in a suicide attempt at the beginning of February.

My doctor has kept me signed off work since, and I’ve returned to work this week.

I’ve had an email today from my HR department advising me that I won’t be getting paid for the 5 weeks I’ve been off and they will be deducting £1800 from my wages. This is more than my actual months wages and they will be splitting it over 2 months, deducting £867 gross from my March and April salaries.

This leaves me completely unable to pay my rent, my bills or even get to work. My monthly salary is £1572 gross so taking off the £867 leaves me with £705.50 gross – or about £550 after tax

My basic monthly outgoings come to £950ish a month.

You can see how the maths there doesn’t add up!

As you can imagine, I’m having epic panic right now. I’m trying to get hold of Citizens Advice to find out what options are available to me but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to manage.

Please, please, if you’re able to help, every penny is appreciated like you would not believe. I’ve set up a gofundme at https://www.gofundme.com/d3utncj2 because I literally don’t know what else to do

Thank you ❤

You know you’re gonna live thru the rain

I am slowly starting to feel more llama like. I’m still not sleeping right, as is noted by the 1am posting of this update. I got to sleep at 05:00 this morning (or, yesterday morning) and slept through til 10:00 – I’m not feeling as exhausted though. I’m hoping that as I get back my days into a routine, the nights will come too. I’m also pondering just pushing through and doing an all nighter tonight, no naps tomorrow and hopefully crashing tomorrow night. We’ll see, we’ll see.

My mood is definitely improving. I’ve gone a whole day without bursting into floods of tears over absolutely nothing. I even had reason to cry today and I didn’t.

I had to go to the doctors to pick up some paperwork, and as I was driving there and back, Lotte was running hot. Just as I get home, ping! She completely overheats and a big red ‘stop’ light comes on. I have a little flail then call the AA. Seems my baby girl has a coolant leak because there’s a crack in the thermostat housing. The good news, however, is that it’s covered under the warranty from when the thermostat and radiator were replaced a few months ago.

I can’t even find a way to blame Raintown this time… the fact I was listening to their CD is a bit of a push since it lives in the car

And now I have a shiny little VW Polo courtesy/hire car for a couple of days. It’s so small, but omg it’s so new and has all the gadgets and things to play with! It makes me want a new car and then I feel bad because I do really love my Lotte. I’m just frustrated with her a little right now. *sigh*

I promise, you can’t hide forever in the empty darkness

Apologies for the lack of updates over the last week. I’ve been a bit unwell. I’ve been signed off work for the last two weeks, spent a couple of days in hospital but I’m doing better now. I’ve struggled with my depression and fatigue since I had the flu last month and just hadn’t been able to pull myself back up. I’ve been tired, utterly exhausted, constantly, only not able to sleep. And because I’ve been so tired, I wasn’t able to cope with the depression.

It turns out that I am pretty damn anemic, which explains a lot. I’m on some lovely iron pills, 200mg, 3x a day for the next two months. Can I just say that my tummy kinda hates me now.
I’ve had my dosage of my antidepressants and my sleeping pills increased. And oh the sleeping pills are working wonderfully… they knocked me out for 14hrs last night and it felt heavenly.

The increased dose of the anti-depressant is definitely working and I’m starting to find balance. Work is arranging for me to start counselling, so that could be interesting.

I’m also pre-diabetic, only just tipped over into the warning so I’ve got an appointment with a diabetes nurse to discuss methods to try to combat it, hopefully try to stop me from developing diabetes in the first place. I sat down and talked with a friend yesterday who is diabetic and learned a LOT from her about carbohydrates so will be putting that into action myself over the coming weeks.

Hopefully things will start to even out in my head and I’ll get back to normal – or what passes for normal around here.

Still crazy

I’m pleased to report I’m officially still nuts! 🙂

I had a depression check-up with my GP this morning. He’s very pleased with how I’m reacting to the Propanolo and the Sertraline. We’re sticking with the current cause of treatment for the foreseeable future. We discussed the trouble I’ve been having sleeping and he wants me to start keeping a sleep log, how well I’m sleeping, what’s preying on my mind when I can’t, stress levels and stuff.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching Rizzoli & Isles 1×04… so I’ve no idea who killed the ded girl. And I had a lie-in this morning so that was nice. I’ve not been feeling too tired throughout the day and I feel normal levels of tiredness for 8:30 in the evening.

I’m sitting with my legs up, eating Macaroni Cheese that I just cooked and watching last night’s episode of The X Files. Then I’ll go back and rewatch Rizzoli & Isles and find out who the killer was.

Another exciting night in the life of Cassie!